#I hate mhself sometimes

[tigerdrachin]

Somedays you wake up and just know their gonna be shit

like today for example

[monumentalslutt]

i feel so like embarrassed saying this like i feel so cringe i swear i don’t mean this in pick me cringe embarassing way but i feel like most ppl don’t get what i mean when i say i get really angry, brah my anger just as extreme as my weird hyper moods and weird emo moods like that’s the level it be on it’s just i never am that angry in public no one has pissed me off to that level (to my face at least these damn mfs be sassy as fuck over text tjough but lose they balls in person) anyways yeah i don’t like how nobody gets that i be getting that emotionally angry too i just am not gonna randomly start screaming in public i have social awareness mate i’m not a freak unless i get really upset but then i normally start crying bcs im like wtf everyone’s looking at me and i get super upset and angry cry 😢 i hate when i angry cry bcs it makes me feel like a pussy ass bitch and then it makes me more angry and i cry more but normally my dad or 💞 or ☕️ you know all the ppl i’ve been around when i’m angry crying gives me a hug and i feel better so maybe i angry cry when im only angry bcs like i need a hug and when i’m just like fuck u i hate u angry like tryna hurt their feelings angry then idk soz i’m stoned and i don’t even know why i’m talking abojt me being angry wtf thags so weird see why do i always have the urge to share unnecessary stupid shit abt mhself i needa learn to just keep ro myself a lil more just in general i don’t need to talk so much lately i’ve also really started hating how talkative i can get it geniunely makes me dislike myself like why do i do that that’s sp embarrassing, but i’ve actually been getting way better at doing it to people i just realised, OMG YIPPEE i literally share here where only teana could ever see it sometimes i wish i made my ex download tumblr but then i remind mhself he definitely doesn’t care enough to be checkin on my tumblr omg ok i feel sad 🤬 how am i gonna have no marijuana no vape NUTHIN for 3 weeks straight starting TOMORROW ima start shaking and sweating like a tweaker

[acest-of-them-all]

So now story time bc today is the day I became extremely sure I am asexual

So. Let's go waaay back to when I was a kid and had no idea there was other sexualities than straight. Obviously I assumed I was gonna have a boyfriend sometime. I didn't really think about it, though. It wasn't relevant because I was a kid and I had other worries like what will I play with my friends during the breaks between classes.

When I was about 13-14, I had discovered the fact that there were not only straight people, but also gays, lesbians and bisexuals. I was like hey, girls are nice, I would date a girl as well as a boy. So I labeled mhself as a bisexual. Now, I hadn't had any real crushes(I now have realized), only a few people I had taken interest in, so I didn't really know how attraction to another person felt like.

When I was about 14 years old or when I was turning 15, I wasn't so sure about my gender anymore. I didn't feel good in my body, and I hated it so, so much. I had more knowledge of sexualities and genders, so I began to wonder, if what I was experiencing was me being transgender. I was kind of suspicious though, because the feeling came so late, and not as a child already. But I knew that the gut-wrenching feeling that made me want to throw up I got when someone called me a girl, was very real. I was convinced I was a transgender, and I was fine with that. It still hurt though, when after two years of feeling horrible dysphoria with my body I told my mom that I was pretty sure I was trans, she still would address me and my sister as "girls" when talking of both of us. I never got the chance to tell my father, though. At some point, I realized that I might not be able to go through the surgeries, as the places I could do that were quite far away, and I didn't know how expensive it was gonna be. Soon, I was fine with that, too, because I realized that my discomfort in my body being female was fading. I was so confused. I had felt like a boy for the last two years and now I suddenly felt like wearing more makeup and dressing more femininely?? I was like huh. I was a fake after all.

At the same time I started to realize that I didn't feel the desire to become close to people. I thought I was somehow incorrectly developed, that it would come to me later, so I didn't really pay attention to it.

Now, in the spring, this year. My first year of vocational school was almost over. We had photography, and I was sitting at my computer on my phone, because I had already edited all the photos I had taken and nothing else to do. There was this guy, that I knew my friend knew, sitting at the computer next to me. He wasn't in our class(he was on his second year). He asked about what we had been doing, which I found weird, because I didn't know this dude, but I just awkwardly answered him. We conversed for a while, and he offered to show me how the studio lights and flashes work. I accepted, because yeah, I had nothing else to do. Well. He showed me how they worked, I was quite awkward all the time, and he asked about stuff. One thing he asked was if I had ever kissed anyone. I obviously hadn't, so I answered no. He asked if I wanted to try. I was confused and I kind of panicked so I accepted. I was tense and nervous and confused, and he told me to relax and close my eyes. I slapped my hand over my eyes, because I couldn't bring myself to close them, I was so nervous. I was just standing there, tense as hell, as he kissed me. Or tried to. It didn't go well, as I kept my lips tightly together and I was panicking. He told me I had to relax, to which I repeatedly told him that I wasn't capable of that. That was followed by him letting it go and us both apologizing for making things awkward. The whole thing was like straight out of a fanfiction. Except that if it was a fanfiction, I wouldn't have been an already suspecting ace, I would have magically been able to kiss him back and we'd have banged in the studio. Yeah, no. I didn't really see him after that, which I was pretty relieved of, because now I wouldn't have to deal with awkward shit! At that point I was almost completely sure I was ace and aro, because I didn't feel like romantic relationships were really my thing and the idea of me having sex with someone, to be completely honest, disgusted me. I had also found a term that I felt like it fit my gender: genderfluid. My preferred gender tends to change quite slowly, I can feel really feminine for months, or really masculine for, apparently, years. Sometimes it's one of those, but in between happens too. Currently I am leaning a little bit on the feminine side.

Anyways. This fall. Summer was over, my second year of school started. And I get to live alone, which is super awesome! One day, after like two weeks of school, the guy texts me(we had exchanged our numbers back then), asking how I'd been. We talked about stuff, it was casual and cool. He's pretty nice, since he likes memes and listens to good music. I told him that I lived alone, and he joked about coming to ruin my peaceful isolated life. I was like yeah, you can come over sometime if you want to, because sometimes some company isn't too bad. The next monday he came to hang out, and it was cool. We listened to music, showed each other memes and all, and I was relieved it wasn't awkward(I had done research on the internet on how to carry on with a conversation before he arrived lmao). Then he left and everything was well in the kingdom. A week or two went by, he would occasionally text me and yeah. It was cool and I was like whoa did I manage to make a friend.

Until.

The day before yesterday(saturday). He texted me like usual and asked if I wanted to hang out on sunday, but because I wouldn't have had any time, we agreed to hang out on monday. A.k.a. today. And then he asked if I still couldn't kiss. And I was like ooohh nooooo, and said that no, I can't because who the hell would my ace ass I have been kissing? He was like well do you want to try on monday and internally I was like WHY??? DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW AWKWARD IT WAS??? And because I figured that the sooner he realizes I'm a hopeless case, the sooner he leaves me alone with the kissing stuff(and because my idiot brain is like BUT WHAT IF YOU'RE A FAKE ACE??? WHAT IF YOU DO LIKE IT HMMM?!? and I wanted to be sure), I was like uuuhhh sure I guess. I warned him that I was most likely going to be awkward as hell AGAIN, but he just told me to "relax and enjoy". Which confused me because I simply do not see the appeal of having other person's tongue shoved down your throat, but I let it be.

So he came over. We conversed for a while, then browsed memes again(which meant we were both sitting on my bed). Soon he was like sooo about the kissing and I was like oh god oh god what do I do, so my brain switched into "scientific experiment" mode, and I was like yeah, I only need to think of this as an experiment on what kissing feels like and everything would be fine. So he told me to get in his lap and I was just confused as hell and was like uuhhh do I have to like do something, to which he answered that not really. And then he kissed me. And his tongue was in my mouth. It didn't taste like anything, it felt weird and I was just kind of trying to not be too awkward, trying to somehow respond to it. He asked how it was and I was like weird, not the most unpleasant thing but nothing special either. And we ended up lying down and kind of cuddling on my bed, which was okay. I was just making random comments about like how babies have more bones than adults and at some point I was like do you wanna take a nap, naps are nice, to which he agreed. It wasn't a nap though. He kissed me some more and yeah. At some point though he had to leave, so he did. And that's when it really hit me. I felt really unhygienic and weirded out. I still could taste his tongue, which is why I brushed my teeth twice in a row. The taste wouldn't go away! I ate, and I noticed I was terribly aware of my own tongue in my mouth. I could still smell his deodorant or whatever it was, and now it wasn't even nice anymore, it was disturbing and overwhelming. I couldn't even drink from my bottle normally because of the way it feels! I brushed my teeth one more time and put my clothes at my window to air out, I don't want them to smell like him. I went and scrubbed myself under a practically boiling shower, I think I've never been so thorough when showering. I'm still confused. Why do I feel so disgusted and unclean, when clothes weren't even reduced? Apparently it doesn't need much. But if mere kissing makes me like this, I can't even imagine myself in even a slightly more intimate situation. Just, no. If he wants to do that again, I gotta tell him that kissing definitely isn't my thing, maybe just straight up tell him that I'm asexual. At least now I'm sure about it lol

[girlportals]

im so drunj HAHAHAA LISTENING TO THAT BITCH IM A COW SONG i can teven believ mhself sometimes im such a bad bitch like bitches hate too hard n kts so sad like stop wasting energy on hating n just do better for urself lkke who cares